You never used <3 last time.

The sweetest thing you did was when you didn't sleep the whole night before, and you still waited for me at the MRT for 1hour and walked me to tuition.  When I texted, you said, "Anything for you, baby". And when we fought the other time, you came all the way down to my place to eat apple crumble with me even though you had so much work to do. And although this was a small gesture, I thought it was so sweet - when I complained that the weather is so hot and I was sweating like mad and the back of my shirt was all sweaty, you carried my sch bag for me so I could air my back.

The funniest thing you did was to send a text meant for me to your mother. Do you rmb how we named my polaroid tgt? I wanted sth cute, you said Bobby but I didn't want to. Then you said Timmy. But I didn't want and we ended up with Tommy. You said Tommy was a nick for your surname. I would have named your mac Megan. We thought the name Megan was cute, rmb?

You told me the story behind your URL, it was becos you didn't know if you liked me then. I used to call you Fatty even though you weren't fat, and you called me cupcake. I really liked the nickname alot. I never used to get jealous when you talked to other girls but now when I see fangirls on your tumblr, sometimes I do get jealous. I don't know if you still read my Xanga now. I really hope you'll keep to your promise. I miss you so much.

-

Sunday was the worst. I cried the entire day, cried until I had really no more tears left. I didn't eat the entire day. It was so bad. When I finally fell asleep and woke up the next day, all I wanted to do is cry. But I had no more tears left. I wanted to wail, and that's when I realised I lost my voice. I can't even do anything. My throat was so pain.
I went to sch to collect my predicted A levels results. They predicted that I'll get all As except a B for Phys and GP. Joke. I'll never achieve that. I met Ashley. I was so sad the entire time, we went for our interview. I hated it, I hate how I have to pretend I'm okay when I'm not okay. I'm so upset.
We went to Thomson Plaza. I sat alone by myself while Ashley went to settle her problem. I was crying alone. Ashley came, she had problems, I had to comfort her but I wasn't even in the mood to do so. Ronald dropped by, he tells me the same things everyone says. I'm so sick of this.
I went home, I quarrelled with my mom. My mom isn't even understanding at all. She asks me stupid things, she asks me why I'm not close to Ivan and Gym anymore. She asks why I don't hang with Joel anymore. What does she want me to say? She doesn't know the story, no one knows. Everyone in sch listens to rumours, nonsense they cook up. No one knows what really happened.
I was so upset and angry, I wanted to rant to you. But you didn't reply my text. You said you'll treat me as a friend but you didn't.

I called you 4times today becos my mom and I quarrelled again. She doesn't even understand me, she doesn't bother to comfort me. She kicks up a fuss on the stupidest thing and I feel so upset. I want you to comfort me, even as a friend, but you didn't answer my call. My maid is leaving tmr. I've never done without a maid before, for the entire 18years of my life. I don't know what will happen when my maid leaves, my mom will probably go crazy. I'm not even in a very stable state myself. I don't know what will happen, really.

You said you'll treat me as a friend but you don't. You're purposely avoiding me, you didn't unblock me on MSN, you partial blocked me on Facebook. No one does that. I'm very upset. I want to get better too but it's so hard. Why can't we just talk and hang out like friends? It'll make the process so much less painful, it'll make me less upset. Please.

-

I don't feel like going out later. If I join the others, I would only end up spoiling the mood. But Geraldine said everyone will make me feel better. I am going to try to get better, so I will try to enjoy myself. I hope you'll reply my text, I've got things I want to say to you still.

This doesn't even feel like Christmas anymore.

Have you ever cried until you started hyperventilating, cried until you had no more tears, cried until your eyes became so sore you can't open them and you feel like closing them and sleep but you can't sleep? Have you wailed until you woke your neighbours up, wailed until your throat went hoarse, wailed until you lost your voice?
I honestly cannot take this anymore.

I don't feel like sleeping becos I cannot sleep. When I lie in bed, I think of you. I think of questions I forgot to ask you. When I fall asleep, I try not to wake up. But I do anyway and I can never ever get back to sleep again. I don't feel like going out anymore. I don't feel like doing anything in fact. I don't feel like talking to anyone abt this becos I just wanna talk to you. But I cannot. I need to get better but it feels as though I'm getting worst. Worst than before.

My throat is so hoarse and I can't even wail properly, I can't talk becos my throat is so pain now. So I have to keep everything to myself. I cannot accept whatever you said in fact. I feel dreaful. I feel horrible. I just want to float away.

-

These are from your tumblr. I finally visited your tumblr after so long.
(http://sheneverknew.tumblr.com)

I was that friend. I rmb going down to your place after sch to give you the honey. The honey was in the mineshine milk tea bottle and I pasted a heart shape on the bottle cap.

Am I that girl? You always said I was cute. I know I'm not the hottest girl alive, not pretty, I don't have the hottest or skinniest body arnd. But you always said I was cute. Do you know I used to keep all your texts which said, "You're damn cute." You sent like 7 of this one liners.

Your URL was named after me. Sheneverknew.

You told me in the end. And honestly I hope this isn't the end yet.

If I mean so much to you, why can't we try again. And do you know you really mean the world to me. My world is really falling apart now. Everyday.

Don't laugh: What I miss most is talking to you. I imagine running into you in a busy market even though I don't go to the market. And we decide to have lunch and we talk over coffee; and then we walk back to where you live and we talk somemore, and we talk in your room, and we keep talking until the moon is high up in the sky and your dad comes home and your mom chases me out.
I want to talk to you so bad but this time, I know I can't.

-

"Do you rmb the first time we held hands?"
"It was a Monday."
"You were wearing pink and I was wearing this chick shirt."

-

Thanks for ytd night, it was the longest talk we ever had, ironically. 5 whole hours. I miss talking to you so bad. I miss the things we do, the good times we had, I miss you, period.
But I guess you made it very clear this time and all you want is for me to get better, to get out of this crazy state. I'm sorry abt just now, like when I called, becos I was in that state and I couldn't snap out of it. Thanks for doing what I told you to do. Thanks for keeping your promise and hope you'll continue to keep to the promise.
I honestly hope to get better also, so we can really start hanging out again. And just talk to each other like how we used to, like at the start, before everything. I hope I'll be fine by January and I know you really want me to be well too. I promise I'll try to snap out of this, but it's gonna be hard.

And it was actually nice talking to you ytd night. I miss leaning against you. It's ironic how last time I couldn't find the right spot when I leaned against you, and I just felt so awkward and uncomfortable. But it was only ytd night when I fitted perfectly.

Thanks for being such a nice person. Really. I thought you've changed until we talked ytd night, and I realised that you're still the same old nice sweet boy you used to be. And it was comforting to know that you're still the same. Please stop feeling bad becos there are times when I think that I screwed it up. I'm sorry I treated you so badly sometimes. I felt that I hurt you so bad when you said you were dying when you were in KL and when you finally got a signal on your phone when you hit the causeway and you were so happy to be able to text me again, but I just gave you the cold shoulders. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.

I honestly hope to get better asap so we can talk again, becos I really miss talking to you, even as a friend. Like just sharing problems becos you were like my best friend too. I could share everything and anything under the sun with you without worries and it was so easy. And I know that if I wanna do that, I must definitely get better first.
Hopefully by January

And yes, I will try to sleep tonight and start eating properly. I will definitely try to get better becos that is the only way now. Thanks.

Just a quickie becos I am damn busy and I need to sleep soon!!

First things first aka photos from ytd!!!

Haha this is my form teacher...

I look so cui... Yeah no choice I overslept and was like 45min late haha.

I have no idea why the guys in my class like to do the finger thingy... it's so primary sch...

Anywayz today I went out with Qixuan!!! We went to Haji lane and we shopped alot! Qixuan bought two dresses, I really like one of her dress but I have no more money so I cannot buy!!!! And we were in one of the shops when this girl said my name and I took like 3seconds to realise who she was. Haha she's Ashley's sister!!! Haha what a coincidence!!! Haha she recognises me, not bad!!!!
Anywayz after Haji, we went to eat at Pastamania, then went down to Cityhall to shop somemore. I like hanging with Qixuan becos I think she is very much like me and I love Qixuan alot

Went home at 7plus, packed my stuffs for camp tmr and my mom asked me to go down to Ang Mo Kio NTUC to buy sth, zzz. I'm kinda hungry now but I must resist!!!

(Haha time to put on my poker face)

OKAY srsly gotta go now!!! Hope I survive through camp. Haha I downloaded like 3 episodes of We Got Married, just in case America's Next Top Model isn't enough. Okay bai!!!

Haha do you likey this picture, omg so funny leh... except Nat ruined the photo with his cool expression. Zzz.

Today was an okay day, I'll upload pictures when I get them!!! Um okay was supposed to meet my class at Somerset MRT at 11.45am for class lunch but I freaking woke up at 11am. I can't believe I switched off my alarm and I totally springed out of bed and zoomed like mad. I finished bathing in a record time of 30min++ and I left the house at 11.45am. Haha power right!!!!
So anyway by the time I reached Somerset, I was like almost 45min late alr. Haha anywayz went to meet the rest at Sakura and had buffet there. Mr Lee treated all of us to buffet, damn nice right!!! Nothing much, took alot of photos with Shan Shan's DSLR. Yippee I can't wait for her to upload the photos!!!

Then after lunch, I went to play L4D with the other guys. Guoxiang and Derek were sitting beside me and I totally pity them becos I was screaming half the time and beating their arms like mad. Omg the game is too violent for me and so scary, wth the zombies (are they zombies?) looks possessed... Freak damn gross. And I was totally clueless abt the game and all I rmb was Guoxiang and Singgih shouting, "Where's Weiling!!!" and "Weiling, just follow me!!!" becos I was their team-mate. Haha I'm like a freaking n00b.
Anyway I left halfway becos the game was too extreme for me and I cannot take it anymore, plus I don't understand what was going on (I srsly don't enjoy computer games)

Went to meet Joyce, shopped arnd 313 @ Somerset. Nothing much, ended up at KFC for dinner. Talked for a while then went home. I'm srsly getting more and more screwed up day by day, I can't even believe the things I'm doing now but nevermind...
Anyway it was nice talking to Cecilia, she's very amusing in her own way but she lets me know that I'm not alone. I miss Yiying like fuck now and I just want her to come back now. I want Bryan to come back to Singapore now. I want Ronald to come back to Singapore now. I want Gen to fly back now. I want everything to be right...

But it can't so I need to live with it. I honestly need to practise my poker face. I loaded the entire America's Next Top Model cycle 13 into my ipod just in case...

-

(What hurts the most?)

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away

And never knowing
What could've been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you
everywhere I go
But I'm doing it
It's hard to force that smile
when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

"What do you see in the future?"
"You."